I've been thinking a lot lately. Thoughts about what I could share more of about my epilepsy.
After some internal debate I've decided to share something I've not seen talked about much. Well, I don't usually see much talk about epilepsy/seizures in general.
This is all just through my perspective and the secondhand information given by specialists to me.
Take care and read with a light heart.
The mental hit.
First off… coming out of the seizure/s is very disorienting. For me I'll be surrounded by people who I may or may not know. It may be coworkers, family, police, paramedics, firefighters, or even strangers finding me.
The state of panic that follows is hard to describe. Even when it's family, it's hard to recognize at first. No one registers in my mind. It feels like I'm trapped and those around me are trying to harm me.
Of course that's not the case, but my mind thinks it is. The mind is a strange thing. It's hard to trust it at times. Especially when it’s rebooting.
After everything settles and I've gained my bearings, it then either ends up I'm on a gurney headed to the hospital or I'm headed home hobbling to the car with my relatives.
The healing process ends up starting from there. My body is extremely worn out from all the muscles tensing up and the convulsions. Then the cuts and bruises are throughout my body. The worst part, though, is the mental strain.
The thoughts get dark. All my energy goes away. My drive vanishes. It's like being sucked into a deep depression with no way out. In times like these, I break away from everyone and everything so I don't drag them down with me or burden them in any way.
Staying in control.
Some things doctors have told me that are sort of impossible to adhere to at all times…
“Keep stress to a minimum.” Life is stressful.
“Keep your heart beating normal.” How?
“Don't be alone.” Okay, I can try.
“Sleep properly.” I have insomnia!
It's easy to say these things, but it's not something that can be done all the time. Yes, stress is one of the biggest causes, how can I live a life of no stress? I can manage it to a point… but overall it's a part of life.
Staying in control of my body and my mind is much harder than it seems. Especially when I'm doing all I can just to walk forward every day.
The beforehand for preventing a seizure is also the after for preventing another seizure. When people are crowded around and my mind is clouded, it's easy to get overwhelmed.
Consequences.
Harm dealt during a seizure is typically quite scary. As a child, though, I ended up quite numb to it. It became an eventuality rather than a possibility.
Growing up, my doctors considered my seizures serious enough that they gave my family an emergency rescue medication at home to stop prolonged convulsions. The possibility of death or severe brain injury wasn’t abstract—it was something we were prepared for
In those days, I gave up on caring. I didn't think I would last either. My body I wouldn't be able to move for days at a time. During my teens I would pray to just not wake up again with the next ones.
Of course things are very different now. It's strange how they've become scary again. Now I have things to lose. Now I want to live. Now I've been able to achieve things originally thought impossible.
Neither my family or the doctors I had ever thought I could live a normal life. I've been living what I think is successful. I have a beautiful woman as my fiancée. I have two wonderful cats. I have a home. I have a job (well a safer job would be nice).
These recent seizures I had have really put in perspective how quickly things can fall apart again. I always think I know and always question it in the back of my head, yet when it's hitting reality… it hits different.
Moving forward.
I'm not trying to be super dramatic or anything—but epilepsy does suck. Having seizures in general sucks. No matter the form someone has and whether people think one version is worse than another. They all take a toll, even if that seems different for each person.
Some just also happen to be seen easier or give outside wounds. I may not know all different types of seizures, nor do I know everyone's experiences. I do know, though, it can't be a pleasant one.
If anyone reading this also has epilepsy, mine are classified as grand-mal (primary with secondary partial tonic-clonic). I honestly haven’t looked into other forms of seizures much. I’ve been so occupied trying to understand my own. I’d be genuinely interested to hear what recovery is like for those with different types of seizures.
Stepping towards the future… all I can do is my best.
Thank you for reading. If you happen to have epilepsy or have experienced a seizure yourself and feel alone, I'm always willing to chat. Comment or DM. I'm always interested to see the different types out there and how others deal with them.
If anyone is curious or wants to know more, let me know. Whether in comments or DMs. I'm usually an open book.
It may be a little bit before I respond, though. I'm still stuck in a vicious cycle of mental recovery.
Trying my best. ❤️
Much love,
Cory.
Wow bro. All the light your way ✨✨✨ thank you for sharing
Thinking of you Cory, and wishing you as speedy and smooth a recovery as is possible.
Thank you for sharing that. I knew only the very basic facts about epilepsy and that really gave be a bit more knowledge of it as well as a real look at the toll it takes on a person going through it with the seizures and their aftermath.
Wishing you well.