Black Box.
A seizure related disconnection.
Some of you were curious, so here it is.
Black Box
What is it? It's what I get trapped in during, before, and sometimes after a seizure.
Have you ever watched TV with a 1st person narrative? Well, it's a bit similar. I can see sometimes, but my feeling and control are gone.
It's like being pushed down in a deep darkness—with little flashing images of what's happening around my body. Honestly, it's scary even after having the experience for over 17 years.
The effect
Now this might make me sound crazy, but honestly after a seizure, you are pretty crazy anyway. After, during, and before seizing, I'll hallucinate.
Sometimes just small hallucinations, and sometimes… Much bigger ones. I’ve had hallucinations of being covered in blood, seeing angels, and even the world being turned ‘wrong.’
Many if these I can't really explain properly. They are so out there at times, that I can even tell I'm hallucinating. Usually after the fact, though. During the moment my brain is… well fried.
Wrap Up
That about wraps up the simplified version of my black box. At times it's a void, at times it's a little television, and at other times it's a world of hallucinations.
The void of floating, seeing, and feeling nothing. This is the worst form of it and the one that hits most often.
The little television is the most frustrating. I can see everything going on, but I can do nothing about it. It's just a play by play with awful vision.
The hallucinations are crazy. At times they can be interesting, but usually they are just disturbing. These can even last out of the seizures for a few days.
That's it, my black box and the different effects it has/brings me. The thing all 3 have together, is the black cube that seems to devour me first.
Much love,
Cory.
Cory, reading about your experience, I can’t help but think about how your “black box” illustrates the delicate balance of consciousness. Philosophically, your mind becomes a stage where perception, self-awareness, and control are partially suspended, reminding us that our sense of self is not as continuous or stable as we often assume. Science supports this too: seizure activity can temporarily disconnect networks in the brain responsible for integrating sensory input and executive function, which explains the mix of hallucination, paralysis, and dissociation you describe.
Your experience also highlights resilience: even in the face of repeated neural disruption, your awareness of these episodes and your ability to articulate them reflect a continuity of self that persists outside the black box. It’s almost like a natural experiment in consciousness, showing both the fragility and adaptability of the human mind.
Someone once wrote that if all the problems in the world were put in a pile we'd really see what other people have been going through and choose our own again. You've got a doozy there. Blessings to you 🙏