Your color felt like gray
It always kept me in disarray

You felt so cold
my heart broke two-fold

You lived in corners of my mind
in every place I tried to hide

A quiet voice that spoke in doubt
that told me I should fade out

You painted skies that never cleared
where every step was lined with fear

The blues you gave were deep and still
they wrapped around me at their will

There were nights I begged for end
where breath itself felt hard to spend

I learned too young to stay composed
to silence things that should’ve shown

To lock the doors, to dim the light
to make it through another night

You taught me how to wear a face
to hold a smile out of place

To laugh on cue, to play the part
while something fractured in my heart

I spoke in ways that went unheard
like meaning never matched the word

Like truth would fall before it grew
and doubt would bloom in all I knew

You blurred the lines of who I was
of what I felt, of what I am

A mirror shifting when I’d stare
unsure of what was really there

My body learned what you went through
it carries storms I never knew

In shaking moments I can’t control
I feel the echoes take their toll

Not all of you was left behind
you linger still within my mind

In subtle ways, in quiet view
I catch reflections shaped like you

But something shifted over time
your grip began to lose its bind

Not gone, healed, or washed away
just less than what you were that day

I learned your shades, I learned your weight
I learned to stand and not just break

The gray still rests beneath my skin
the blues still echo deep within

But now they bend, they do not stay
they pass instead of holding me in place

You built a strength I didn’t see
inside the worst you gave to me

You kept me here when I felt done
when I could not outrun the numb

And though you hurt, and though you stayed
you carved the path that I remade

So I won’t curse the things you knew
or all the pain that carried through

Because without the weight of you
I wouldn’t stand the way I do

Still covered in your shades of blue
but finally… choosing something new

From the past—to who I am today. ❤️

A continuation of the black box, shown in lyrical form of how it feels—what happens when a seizure hits me.

Lyrics - Me

Voice - lower notes me (lots of auto-tune), higher notes AI

Music - Suno

[Verse 1]

Burning, fueling, aching in my chest

Heart won’t slow, I’m failing the test

Pounding like a war drum stuck in my head

Every second screaming I’m better off dead

Vision flickers, breaking apart

Static in my brain, tearing the dark

I feel it creeping, crawling in deep

Something inside me I cannot keep within

The world starts slipping out of my grip

Try to stand steady but my body won’t listen

Every nerve firing, nothing makes sense

I’m locked in a war with my own defense

[Pre-Chorus]

I’m fading between the gray and now

Losing control, I don’t know how

[Chorus]

The black box is consuming me

I can’t feel, I can’t breathe

I can’t shout, I can’t flee

Every shadow’s chasing me

I’m trapped inside, no way out

Silent screams I can’t let out

Knocked down again, I try to rise

But I’m gone behind these fading eyes

[Verse 2]

Breathing heavy but I need more air

Something’s wrong but I don’t know where

Chest locked tight like it’s caving in

Shadows forming around me

Footsteps echo, closing fast

Every second feels like my last

I turn around but they’re still there

Living inside my fractured stare

Hands start shaking, vision bends

Every thought starts caving in

Voices whisper, don’t let go

But I don’t know what I even know

Running circles in my own mind

Trying to escape what’s undefined

Panic rising, I can’t outrun

The shadows know what I’ve become

[Verse 3]

Pulse racing faster, disaster strikes

Lightning cracking through my mind

I drop again but I try to fight

Fading in and out of the light

Black creeping in from the edge of my sight

Voices distort, nothing feels right

I try to scream but nothing comes out

Buried alive in a silent blackout

Struggling up but I’m dragged back down

Drowning inside without a sound

I’m still here, but I’m not the same

Something inside me erased my name

[Final Chorus]

The black box is consuming me

I can’t feel, I can’t see

I can’t shout, I can’t flee

Every shadow’s swallowing me

I’m trapped inside, no way out

Drowning in a silent doubt

Knocked down again, I try to rise

But I’m lost behind these fading eyes

I hope that was fun! My voice was able to be a little expressive, but that’s from tools. 😅

Through fire and flames

Through cold and ice

Through days that felt endless

And sleepless nights

Through words that cut

And silence that screamed

Through all that I lost

And all that I dreamed

Through trust that broke

And bonds that shattered

Through lies disguised

In promises shared

Through empty hands

And hollow space

Through searching eyes

For a fading face

Through being there

When you were gone

Through holding on

For far too long

Through doubts that whispered

I’m not enough

Through standing firm

When it all got tough

Through giving more

Than I could recieve

Through keeping hope

When I was deceived

Through every tear

I never showed

Through every weight

I quietly towed

Through nights I asked

What love was for

Through closing wounds

That still felt sore

Through trying again

Though I knew the cost

Through finding pieces

Of what I lost

Battered and bruised

Kicked and used

Still I stand

Though I’m refused

No matter if you care

I’ll still have love to spare.

A poem I wrote a few weeks ago that I decided to share. ❤️

Much love,

Cory.

Sorry for the start hums, I thought it was cute. I probably should have cut them, haha!

Lyrics - me

Voice - Me autotuned and AI for higher notes. (My voice is too monotone)

Audio - Suno.

[Verse 1]

There was a time my body turned to storms

Lightning in my veins without a warning

Silence breaking into something loud

Fighting just to stay inside the moment

Falling out of places I once knew

Voices calling, pulling me back through

Somewhere in the chaos I could feel

Something small reminding me what’s real

[Pre-Chorus]

I wasn’t strong the way they said I should be

But I was breathing… and that was enough for me

[Chorus]

I found a spark inside the dark

Didn’t fade when everything fell apart

Didn’t ask me to be brave

Just to live another day

Now I carry all this fire through the pain

Through the fear, through everything that changed

I’m still here, I made it through

I’m not whole, but I’m not through

[Verse 2]

Told me all the things I couldn’t do

Closed the doors before I walked into

Watched my world get smaller piece by piece

Still I held on to that energy

Every step felt heavier than before

Every breath like knocking on a door

But that spark kept burning quietly

Like it knew the man I’d grow to be

[Pre-Chorus]

I didn’t win, I just refused to leave

And somehow that was enough to carry me

[Chorus]

I found a spark inside the dark

Didn’t fade when everything fell apart

Didn’t ask me to be brave

Just to live another day

Now I carry all this fire through the pain

Through the fear, through everything that changed

I’m still here, I made it through

I’m not whole, but I’m not through

[Bridge]

I still feel the storm sometimes

Still hear it in the back of my mind

But it don’t own me like before

I’ve learned what I’m fighting for

I don’t need to be unbreakable

I just need to be unshakable

[Final Chorus]

I found a spark inside the dark

Turned to flames when I fell apart

Now it’s lighting up my way

Every night and every day

Yeah I carry all this fire through the pain

Through the fear, through everything that changed

I’m still here, I made it through

I’m still burning… so are you

Better version here -

I’m still here.

This was made while thinking about my epilepsy, trauma, and how far I have come.

I hope it helps someone. ❤️

Lyrics - me

Music - Suno

[Verse 1]

There was a time my body turned to storms

Lightning in my veins without a warning

Silence breaking into something loud

Fighting just to stay inside the moment

Falling out of places I once knew

Voices calling, pulling me back through

Somewhere in the chaos I could feel

Something small reminding me what's real

[Pre-Chorus]

I wasn’t strong the way they said I should be

But I was breathing… and that was enough for me

[Chorus]

I found a spark inside the dark

Didn’t fade when everything fell apart

Didn’t ask me to be brave

Just to live another day

Now I carry all this fire through the pain

Through the fear, through everything that changed

I’m still here, I made it through

I’m not whole, but I’m not through

[Verse 2]

Told me all the things I couldn’t do

Closed the doors before I walked into

Watched my world get smaller piece by piece

Still I held on to that energy

Every step felt heavier than before

Every breath like knocking on a door

But that spark kept burning quietly

Like it knew the man I’d grow to be

[Pre-Chorus]

I didn’t win, I just refused to leave

And somehow that was enough to carry me

[Chorus]

I found a spark inside the dark

Didn’t fade when everything fell apart

Didn’t ask me to be brave

Just to live another day

Now I carry all this fire through the pain

Through the fear, through everything that changed

I’m still here, I made it through

I’m not whole, but I’m not through

[Bridge]

I still feel the storm sometimes

Still hear it in the back of my mind

But it don’t own me like before

I’ve learned what I’m fighting for

I don’t need to be unbreakable

I just need to be unshakable

[Final Chorus]

I found a spark inside the dark

Turned to flames when I fell apart

Now it’s lighting up my way

Every night and every day

Yeah I carry all this fire through the pain

Through the fear, through everything that changed

I’m still here, I made it through

I’m still burning… so are you

Much love,

Cory.

A self-reflection and a look into me. ❤️

I hope you enjoy!

Classification

So some of you already know this, but I have Primary with Secondary generalized seizures. They are in the Grand Mal category.

They start off with body stiffness. Think of like it turning to stone or something. My body just stiffens up like it wants to fight it off. Then I go into crying, runny nose, slobbering, screaming, a lot of stuff not fun for those around.

The convulsions start next. Sometimes I'm still conscious, but not always. The shaking comes with a lot of drooling and at times foam. I've heard that I scream and apologize a lot during the process.

Then I seem to get a period of awareness. People get confused here thinking that I'm out of the seizures. I can answer them, I can somewhat move myself, and I can act slightly like me. Shortly after, though, the convulsions start again.

All of this happens while I struggle to get away. It's a fight or flight instinct or so I'm told. This makes it where I'll try everything to escape, including running away.

They come in many sets. How many? However many they want. I was told it happens from my brain misfiring back and forth. One side shuts down and as it reboots the other side freaks out and shuts down. This makes them ping pong between each other until they sync up. Something like that.

A doctor could definitely explain it better.

Consequences

Some of the major downsides to my life (since 13) involve many activities. I'm not supposed to be alone. I'm not supposed to drive. I'm only allowed to shower, no bathing unless someone watches—this applies to swimming, too.

I'm not supposed to ride a bike, hike, run, or any real physical activities. I do now since I'm a lot better, and I even work a physical job.

I was kicked out of school multiple times from ages 14 to 15 from medical issues. It's quite hard for schools to handle that. So a majority of my schooling was homeschooled and one grade I had a teacher visit once a week.

There is more, too, but that can be saved for my childhood series.

Situations

One that comes to mind is from riding with my brother. We were on the way to our college, while on the freeway I ended up having a seizure. Pretty much out of nowhere.

He had to hold the passenger door while driving at 60mph. Somehow I got my seat belt out and was trying to open the door. He said that we were lucky I didn't seem to know how to unlock it. He was surprised I figured out my seat belt in that state.

Another is while I was at my college. To be honest, this one was kind of messed up. Even I think so.

I was in the middle of my writing class and happened to go into a seizure. The seizures happened quite a bit back to back, I think they said I had around 15? It was a lot.

It took over an hour for help to come. The other students were trying to help, luckily one was a nurse who kind of knew what to do. I ended up bleeding all the way down a hallway, left blood marks all over a vending machine and ended up quite battered.

As soon as I was discharged from the hospital, I came back in the next day. (Was a few days later, but I came the next day after being discharged.) Everyone had their eyes on me, random people I never seen even walked up asking how I was.

Honestly, I just wanted to hide in a hole and never appear again. It was embarrassing knowing that many people saw me in that state. Everyone also got my name wrong because my teacher had an accent, so instead they called me ‘Cody’ when my name is ‘Cory.’

I eventually got to the writing classroom and the teacher told me she was glad I was okay, but that the blood everywhere was annoying. 😂

I didn't even know how to respond to that.

The school gave me a formal apology and said they would set up better medical measures. There was no reason it should take an hour for paramedics to arrive.

Overall

Life isn't too bad now. These past two years my epilepsy has been more under control. I've been much happier and haven't needed anti-depressants recently. My sleep still sucks, though. Haha!

Having a seizure disorder does suck. There's a lot that can go wrong and there's also SUDEP (Sudden Unexplained Death by Epilepsy) which can be scary. However, if I'm always afraid of everything, I'll never get anywhere.

So here I am. Facing all my fears and trying to take all the steps forward that were taken from me.

Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey.

Much love,

Cory.

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Most of the sensitive topics will be glossed over so I won’t really put too many warnings, but do read with some self care in mind.

Whether you relate or not, I do think this could be a good perspective to learn. Thank you for taking the time to click on this post!

Empathy

Some may already know this, but I’ve gone through therapy for extreme empathy. It was called a few different names from a few different therapists/psychiatrists. Some called it Hyper-Empathy Syndrome, some Highly Sensitive Person, and a couple other terms I can’t recall as of this moment.

Mostly I’m sharing this to speak out for others that are this way. Especially with some of the comments and DM’s I got after sharing some of my story. Which I hope all of you are doing well, if not, hang in there—You’ve got this!

First off, I think everyone knows what empathy is, however I think less know the negatives of empathy. For example, depression, anxiety, self-inflicted pain, and other extremes can happen from this. Now I know this is more of the extreme side for many, not everyone gets these negatives after all. Those that do, though, know your not alone and it’s not weird.

I actually used to hate that I had empathy. There’s no real medication for empathy exactly, (that I know of) but there are a slew of anti-depressant medications it gave me. I do appreciate having it now that I’m more healthy and aware, but it does get exhausting at times.

I’m sure most reading this know about empathy so I won’t go in-depth on explaining what it is and the differences between empathy and sympathy.

Lack of Self

So this is something I share a lot. Reflections, mirrors, masks, and what they mean to me. This is because of losing who I am in the crowd of the many. When you’re absorbing emotions and reflecting off those around you, you lose parts of yourself. It’s a sort of extreme ‘walk in someone else’s shoes.’

Those that don’t know about this probably think it’s stupid and don’t believe it, but it’s true. We will get so lost in someone else that we will start to mimic and feel things we think they feel. Of course we aren’t them so we can feel even more or less than what they are feeling.

There are also a lot of trauma factors that go into this, but I won’t go into depth with that. It’s something that has a lot of information online, or you can talk to a specialist. I believe the term is ‘attachment trauma’ if you’re interested in researching it.

The lack of self I think is a struggle to deal with mainly because of no direction. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure how it differs from the normal since I haven’t experienced direction normally. For me, though, my sense of self was whatever someone needed for that day. If it was someone they needed to confide in, I was there. If they needed to dump emotions, I was there. If they needed emotional support, I was there. I could do or be whatever they needed. Even if that ended up de-valuing me as a person.

A large problem of being a reflection is agreeing with everything the other says. Some reason I and possibly others like me, had no belief we can be correct. I/we are always the ones in the wrong and are unable to take our own stance.

Depression

So yeah… depression sits in from the overwhelming emotional burn-out. This can create a need to have other outlets or try to drown those emotions by flooding them with someone else’s emotions. Of course, that just makes it worse in the end, but it helps in the moment.

There’s a lot more that can cause the depression than just the emotions. For example: feeling like there is a void or hole in ourselves. The more we replicate for others, the more we start to feel like we are missing something important for ourselves. Well at least for me.

I actually learned about needing therapy for my empathy sensitivity through depression. While talking about causes, small parts of my childhood, and effects of others on me, this ended up being a large cause. The problem with depression and suicidal tendencies is of course, medication. SSRI’s and SNRI’s are the two types of medications they use for these issues. I’ll let you do the research on them, because I’m not exactly well versed either.

I had a lot of problems with these medications since well… I already took medications that dealt with chemicals in the brain. My epilepsy disorder brought about many of these. SSRI’s, SNRI’s, and my normal medication all enhanced depression along with other side effects. I’ll leave that for a later post, though.

Self Hate

Okay, hear me out, I know many, if not most people have this. You don’t need strong empathy, sympathy, or awareness to feel that voice in your head calling you a failure. I’ll just share my perspective here, my past of how it effected me, and how I’m trying to grow past this.

If you’ve followed me for a little while, you probably already know a bit about me. To sum it up and gloss over the facts, I was repeatedly sexually abused when I was 5 to 6 years old. I was mentally abused by my grandmother in my early years, (Around the same age as sexual abuse, but also up until 10 years old) not fully her fault, she was bi-polar. Lovely woman outside of her manic episodes. Then I also ended up developing my epilepsy as my strongest hit to who I am as a person.

The reason I share this it to give a perspective in my thought process growing up. I gave myself a lot of fault for being born, still being alive, and being useless. In fact, much of it brought me to try and end my life several times. Not even so much from outside factors since I felt I deserved every pain I could imagine, but mainly from the guilt I had for existing.

I think not only for me, but also the other sensitive people, this sort of trauma is what makes us not even want to be ourselves. It’s better to try and be someone else for others. After all, we feel useless to the world and when we are ‘us’ we are worth nothing. When we are someone else taking on their burdens, we are useful.

Therapy

Now to share some of the tricks I learned myself and one from a therapist. I want to share these in case it can help someone out there. Of course most are self-learned because I didn’t exactly get many good therapists. Hopefully that doesn’t dissuade you from giving them a try!

• The one the therapist shared is most likely what everyone hears—meditation. It sounds simple, but real meditation actually is a bit complex. It’s not just sitting in the quiet with your very cruel scary thoughts. It’s more about changing your thought process and reaching a serene place instead. At least that’s my thought on it.

• For the ones that I found that help me, though. Reflective mirror sharing - so this is something I thought about a lot from empathy. Why do we feel empathy for others, but not for ourselves? Why are we so cruel to ourselves, but love giving so much to others? Well, how about trying to treat ‘us’ as someone else. I will look at myself in the mirror for awhile making a bunch of different expressions. Some sad, some happy, some neutral, and even some funny faces. This helps me relate to the person in the mirror, otherwise known as me.

I feel this helps me personally because I can start to think of them as someone else. I can relate to that person in the mirror, I can start to feel what they are feeling, and I can try to connect with them, well, me. This gave me a sense of direction for figuring out who ‘I’ am.

• Now, there are a few others that helped a lot along with this. Take a few minutes away from everyone and everything to try and form opinions on something. It can be anything, how you feel the weather is, how you think of others, what you think of a person, it just helps ground thoughts.

• Think of things that make you feel upset. Not when you feel for someone else, but something that really brings an emotion out from inside. It could be political, a way someone treated you, or even the way someone else was treated. This can even use empathy to bring it out as long as you’re not mirroring that empathy for someone else.

• Another thing that helped a lot was relativity. I take moments through my day and think of the many different options to go about them. This isn’t even about emotional capacity, but more about self-awareness. I don’t know how helpful this is to others, but I would just put options like ‘what if I walked left instead?’ Just simple things.

I really hope these can help someone out there. You don’t need to be alone and figure everything out yourself, there are others around that can relate to you, too.

Growth

Now to share some of my growth as a person from who I was. I’ve taken a lot of measure to ensure my safety now. I select who is around me, I select what emotions I’m allowed to use for others, and I try to stay away from drowning. Sure I make mistakes and get overwhelmed, but I’ve learned to swim back up and distance myself again.

I’ve been building up confidence and courage while trying to keep masks away. I’ve been working on being more caring to myself. I’ve also been doing a lot of self work to make sure I’m not building up too much emotional drainage that makes me explode later.

I’ve been really learning to use my empathy without letting it use me. As in distancing myself from others when I shouldn’t be invested in them. Some may call that cowardice, I call it self care.

I’m still trying to grow as much as I can and I think everyone here has been helpful to that end, too! Really, thank you everyone who has been with me thus far and everyone who will be with me in the future!

Conclusion

I’ve been learning that self care isn’t just about being all about yourself, but keeping everything in moderation. We can care, just don’t invest everything. We can love, but we can’t give everything. We are too used to all or nothing, and that’s what I feel we need to change.

At least that’s my opinion! Thank you for staying through this!

Much love,

Cory.